awkward

So. I’m still kinda new to this blogging thing, so forgive the awkwardness. I’m treating it much the same as how I used to journal. I need a verbal release for my frustrations and this is currently the best outlet I have. I have found I can often solve things pretty well if I can just “talk them out”. More than one conversation has taken place between my mom and I that goes something like this:


Mom: hello?


Me: Hi. Ok, so, ugh!


Mom: yes?


Me: …[fill in huge long rant about current frustration that takes anywhere from 5 – 60 min, for example]… [big sigh]… ok, thanks Ma, I think that’s all I needed. Love you, bye.


Mom [used to my rants by now]: yup, no problem. Love you, bye.

So, no new developments in the schooling issue. In fact, even more frustrated than ever. But, currently waiting out a possible option.

Today’s rant? Nothing major, I guess. Just a minor self-annoyance. New job. Well, not really. Same company, same title, just a new rotation within my Project Manager’s Development Training Program. Just started the “Scheduling” department. Using a software called Primavera. I like it. However, I’m feeling very stupid. The concepts of scheduling make sense to me. The software even isn’t hard to use. Its just that there are SOOOOOOOOO many tiny nuances and adaptations from one project’s schedule to the next that could be different, that I feel like I’m flailing.

I have yet to complete one task on my own without asking my boss for help.

That makes me feel very inept. I don’t like it. She has said I’m doing fine. I prolly am doing “fine”. I’m just frustrated. I don’t like being “fine”.

Like I said, nothing big. Just annoyed.

*tap tap* is this thing on?

So, today, my 1st born turned 8.


I know I have no control over this, time marches on, however, I’m still sad.

I made his 8th birthday start off horribly. I feel like the worst mom ever.

We were supposed to make cookies for his class birthday treat last night so he could take them to school today. I forgot. I forgot until this morning, when I was helping him pack up his stuff before he headed out the door, and the lightbulb came on. And I nearly started crying. I hugged him and apologized profusely, to my now-crying 8 year old little man. I say that because he is more noble and compassionate and respectable than most grown men I know.

And I screwed up his birthday.

I know, I know. Its just cookies, right? To you or any other kid, maybe. To me, it was one more thing that I forgot to do. Added to that, he has had a rough time in school since a certain 1st grade teacher started the downward spiral we are now in. He is an amazing kid. Super bright, beyond most of his peers in academics. He’s an outgoing, knowledge-hungry kid. He is a demanding student. He wants to be challenged. Craves more and more and more. Most teachers don’t want this. Then they have to work harder. Most teachers want little zombies who sit quietly in their desks and complete dumbed-down task after task after task from start of the day til end of the day. Hence, he’s an outcast.

So, the gist of this? I don’t know. I’m feeling horrible because this is year three of crappy teachers who would rather scold him, label him, and ridicule him publicly than take the time to work with me and help get him tested into an appropriate level of academia that he needs. I’m feeling lost and at wit’s end as to what I can do about it. I’m feeling like I have no control over my child’s academic and emotional well-being.
And I forgot his cookies.